Ravin' Live Presents: JJ Ritchie, Serial Killer

Ravin' Live Presents:
JJ Ritchie, Serial Killer

Brought to you by the Ravin' Media Group: Fair and Balanced​

Hello and welcome to Ravin' Live. Tonight, Crusaders president JJ Ritchie joins me for an exclusive interview to discuss allegations that he is a serial killer. In a shocking twist, Ritchie confirmed in correspondence before the show the allegations are indeed true, and he will be confessing all live on Ravin' Live. Previously you may have considered him a lovable failure, the ultimate underdog in a team currently owning the wooden spoon. Well now he is exposed for who he is. These words are all JJ Ritchie's, and they present the truth for all to see.

So Ritchie, let’s start from the beginning. When did you realize you wanted to be a murderer?

Just you mate.

That’s an interesting time to have a grand revelation.

I’m sure there are.

Okay, hold your horses! It is known people like yourself display behaviour early on in life. Can you think of any particular incidents where the police should have stepped in and locked you away in a padded cell?

You couldn’t break an Easter Egg with a knife? Interesting to say the least. Were there any other incidents?

Really? Details?

Everyone is entitled to their own tastes. Can you think of a reason why you were so incensed?

If the peg fits...She must be hot.

Oh. Sounds a bit disappointing.

Okay...back on topic. Who was your first kill?

Only your flatmate? Not a girlfriend or anything?

There, there. Not all famous serial killers get to make their debut with their missus. Some have to settle for elderly ladies and shit. So, how many people do you think you can kill? Some claim they’ve killed as many as three thousand.

That sounds rather unrealistic.

So, what is your underlying motivation for your horrific crimes?

Furry muff?

Why?

He likes them alive and wriggling mate. Hey, you know that guy who fucked your mum? How did he die?

What happened then?

This doesn’t sound very murderous. What was he meant to do then?

If he was holding a gun in front of his face, and the photos you’ve just shown me of the gun in question are of a rifle, then how did he manage this epic feat of multi-tasking?

Ouch...when did this happen?

Oh my. I also see in the “briefly” column of the Ravin’ Review that the poor child who suffered at the hands of Morgie has suffered a grisly end. Anything to say?

Ritchie, you disgust me, but thank you for coming on the show tonight. Any final words?

And on that bombshell, our show ends. Now you know the shocking truth behind this fourth grade cricketer. To finish, we will show photos of a few of Ritchie’s unfortunate victims. May they rest in peace.

MURDERED BY A TRAITOR AND A COWARD WHOSE
NAME IS NOT WORTHY TO APPEAR HERE​

 

Haha Phlegm, WAG

 

Can confirm that sales of the rag have multiplied exponentially.