Ames Signs for Spartans

West Berlin. 1989.

A stiff breeze blows through the Brandenburg Gate, scattering torn pieces of paper strewn carelessly over the pavement. At Checkpoint Charlie, a world weary border guard leans back in his chair; despite having been told when he was a child that he shouldn't. Its too much fun, really. Leaning back, going against the grain.

The winds of change are in the air throughout the former Eastern Bloc and Berlin is no different. Tonight, the streets are deserted. Shutters are closed on the flats either side of the Wall. The faint buzzing sound of an old cathode-ray television floats across the empty space, coming from an old sidestreet.

The camera pans around, and zooms in unwatched. A group of five people huddle expectantly round a television. Yes, its all in German, but don't worry - I can translate. The Hungarians have broken down the border lines and people are flowing across the Hungarian border into Austria. The story goes on for a full quarter of an hour.

But no worry, here's a bit of breaking news that is set to amuse. Its not far removed from those And Finally... segments you get on slow news days.

The story appears to be about a young English chap who decided to ring up half the teams in the Bundesliga to find out if any of them had an intention of resigning from the League so he could enter his own team in the League. The letter he sent to Bayern Munich is presented much like a young child would send a letter to Jim'll Fix It.

There is much laughter and incredulity in the pub.

Fast forward twenty years and the now grown up Ames is a key figure in the famous Seasonal Rugby competition, and once again in Season 1 he attempts the Bundesliga Gambit that he'd tried a full 20 years earlier. Only this time, he was at first successful - establishing a new club - the Hurricanes to replace the Xheiwzczzes.

Sadly, the Hurricanes collapsed due to Mr. Ames changing the rules on himself.

So, where does a star player - a championship winning star player, no less - go when his futile attempts at setting up a new club fail? Well, the team he expects to win the 2nd season, of course.

We caught up with Eds Ames to find out what makes him tick. However, he was less than forthcoming with information to this reporter as I have spent most of the season past taking the piss out of him.

Heef: Why the Spartans?
Ames: Why the Spartans? Just look at the team-sheet, then you will realise why. You're a ****, Davis.

Heef: Your thoughts on leaving the Championship winning side?
Ames: My aim this season is to win the Championship again. I chose the club I thought could best do this. Are you mildly retarded or something?

Heef: Who do you think will be the star players for the Spartans this year?
Ames: Denton and Luffman are my tips to shine. Expect a big season from Orr as well.

Heef: Do you think the Spartans have a good chance of improving on 2nd place?
Ames: Yes, yes I do. Why not? ****ing idiot.

Heef: Thank you, Mr. Ames
Ames: Piss off.

So, there we have it. A massive signing for the Spartans and one which will help push them to ever greater heights in Season 2 in what looks like it will be a very tight championship.