Ravin' Media Presents: "The Captain" an exclusive interview with SSD Dong

Discussion in 'Articles' started by Phlegm, Oct 10, 2011.

  1. Phlegm SP Phlegm

    Ravin' Media Presents:
    Captain

    Brought to you by Ravin' Media: Fair and Balanced.

    Recently I had the great pleasure to speak with upcoming Ravens star SSD Dong, commonly known as Captain, on our new show, Ravin' Live. Our studio is set up in The Cribblett, a small pub in Cribbage City close to the Wall separating us good folk from the riff raff in Lewis Heights. The pub has the rusted hull of a ship hanging from the ceiling, and as I pondered this deep metaphor for unrequited love I got the exclusive lowdown on the Test Eagle allrounder.


    So Captain, you're signed on for another season at the Ravens. Top stuff mate. Some say you're the next Kapil Dev of the ALC. What say you?

    Well Kapil was a bowling all-rounder with over 400 wickets to his name while I've taken a grand total of 8 wickets at 47 apiece to date, so people comparing him with me must either be mildly retarded, or simply trying to flatter their way into my pants. On the other hand, I think I might just be the best Indian fast bowler in CricSim, which incidentally reflects the situation in India at the moment.

    You're a humble chap Captain. So you don't have many bowling stumps from Season 10, but I do understand you have free speech advocates stumped with your philosophy. It's been a busy offseason for you hasn't it, with the opening of your latest restraunt, the Captain's Table?

    It's actually been relatively easy to be honest. All that vCash from betting on the Ravens has certainly gone a long way in helping me set up the restaurant. You should drop by once in a while, we've got a great variety of finger food available on offer. While you're there, be sure to try out our freshly baked home-made gingerbread, the gingers used are authentic and safe to eat as they have no souls.

    Sounds like you're aiming at quite a niche market there mate. Now in the past we've had several waves of equal rights campaigns. First women, then blacks, then LGBT, and recently potheads and bigoted white men have set up movements dedicated to promoting drug abuse and the glory days of the 1950s. It strikes me that your philosophy has seen about as much action as Shri. That is, to spell out for the unaware and Colesy, none at all. As the first cricsim cannibal to come out of the closet, how do you propose to get your ideology accepted by the mainstream? Why can't two willing adults consent to dining upon one anothers bodies in a way that isn't a sexual metaphor?

    Funny you mention Shri, his roasted nuts were actually really delicious and highly praised by our customers.

    As for making cannibalism more popular, you'd be surprised at the number of people already turning to eating human meat - we have a large market in the significant population of hipsters and anti-conformists that have all decided that chicken and beef is just too mainstream. We did, however, anticipate that in time human meat might become too mainstream and the hipsters might start dining exclusively on other rarities such as Cobras, Vipers or even Pumas and their Kittens, which is why we also offer a selection of those items on our menu.

    I must say after a sample of Shri's testicles I found them nicely spiced, if a tad on the disappointingly small side, but I appreciate your chef had very little to work with. Now as we both know, the Ravens have a proud record of on and off field excellence. Are there any special achievements you're aiming for this season, apart from becoming a decent player?

    My main aim is to basically help carry a slightly weaker Testies side to at least the finals in Season 11. After all the disappointing performances in the first 3/4 of Season 10, I finally hit good form in my last three games with a double ton, a hundred and two fifties. I hope that it translates to a good off-season and then hopefully It'll carry over to the ALC in S11.

    I do have some personal milestones but I'd rather not jinx myself here, instead I just hope my side and I perform above expectations next season and everyone including the new guys like Teja and Spark do well not just individually, but together as a unit, unlike Eggtoria, whom I will unfortunately be leaving this season. (Though I have left them with some very seksy pictures)

    On that note I do hope I perform well enough to make a consistent appearance for Asia, though I will be directly competing with guys like Das who have shown excellent form receently. It will be tough but I hope I can make a breakthrough. Either that or I'll have to murder Shri and take his spot instead.

    Excellent stuff mate. As an ex and possibly future Teagle, I can get behind a leader like you, if you know what I mean. Now, these "seksy piktures," post them.

    I refuse to oblige until you stop stroking your hard on, Phlegm.

    I'm not stroking my hard on; Athlai is. Now, I'm going to say a few things and you have to describe what you think of them in one word. E.g. Teagles=gun


    Britney

    Tits

    Inhaler

    Asthma?

    Clock

    Sex

    Ritchie

    ALC

    Steak

    Chips

    CHEWS

    :p

    Good filler mate, good filler. Now, we all know about you on the forum, but what about off of it? I understand you have a passion for photographing dying baby zebras. Please, do go on...

    I do love photography though unfortunately I haven't got much time for it. Think I'll take this opportunity now to show you some of my stuff,

    This is the 'dying baby' zebra here.

    [​IMG]


    View from Table Mountain, Zopuss might recognise this place


    [​IMG]


    Sunset at Cape point


    [​IMG]


    Some of my better work..


    [​IMG]


    And lastly..


    [​IMG]

    Athlai's penis, to be served at Le Captain's Table starting tomorrow.

    I'm sure Athlai's penis will be just sufficient in size for an entree. Now...back to that cricket thing...Ravens practices are slightly unorthodox. To those who are unaware, our team meetings lately have consisted of discussing Cribb's feelings while smoking pot (cheers MF). How do you find these meetings get you in the right frame of mind for a big game Captain?

    You've clearly been too high to remember what actually goes on in the meetings. First of all, Cribb doesn't have feelings, and secondly we don't have a big game for ages; theres nothing to be in the right frame of mind for. All that's been happening in the meetings of late involves Paddy, Ari and Chung head banging to metal whilst Marcuss sulks in a corner mourning Arsenal's latest loss. MF of course, just sits there counting the money he just made from selling marijuana to us while debating with aforementioned head banging Ari about who the better batsmen is. Shri's pretty much always wasted even before we hit the weed, losing it after a single Pondicherry imported beer. Cribb, as always, is usually walking around looking for KFC while complaining about members who ask too many dire questions. (Something I may be guilty of )

    It's all good fun though, and there's always some sober blokes around to have a chat with and discuss your day. As Scott aptly sums it up, "Great bunch of blokes, and I don't have to practice my fielding". I'm truly lucky to have signed with the Ravens and I don't think any other place on CricSim can stand up to the awesomeness that emanates from us. (Besides this:http://www.cricsim.com/member.php?u=3475)

    There's no such thing as too high Cappy. So onto the practices themselves, have you figured out why exactly Cribb makes us play Monopoly before nets? I always figured it was just to steal Shri's hotels, but apparently there's actually a point to it.

    Interesting question, unfortunately I honestly don't have the answer. I thought we do it mainly so that we can all pick the nice shiny tokens like the car and the ship while Shri's left with the Iron. Don't think he's caught on that Cribb gives him $500 less than he's supposed to have at the start as well.

    A subliminal message behind the game could be that Cribb wants to reinforce the club agenda that we're monopolizing the forum and that we're an exclusive club full of only elitist, well groomed young men and Shri. Well either that or he just likes board games.

    Speaking of that $500, I hear it's lining the pockets of a scruffy bearded man with a shovel who is currently slamming it into our beloved pitch, and the sprinkler system to boot. There hasn't been much talk about the likely army of spinners we will be fielding in the coming season, mainly thanks to revelations the Pumas are dogs in cats clothing, but as a frontline fast bowler for the Testies, what are you practicing in the nets to allow you to maximise your wicket taking potential on spin friendly surfaces?

    I'm currently developing two variations known as the off-break and leg-break, unfortunately as of yet there isn't any discernible difference between the two since neither of them do anything off the pitch. It's also terribly easy to spot due to the change in run up, grip, delivery stride, action and my habit of shouting to the wicket keeper to come up to the stumps for my 'special' delivery. Some positives are that it's been a massive success against guys like Charles - he averages just a little over 25 against me. Spark on the other hand did cart me for 3 consecutive sixes on his way to a 18 ball 50 but I'm not too disheartened by it, most other guys won't have the testies to try that against a tall, well built, menacingly fast Indian medium pacer. Some believe they've seen me clock scorching speeds nearly equivalent to Eggman's divided by 2.

    I'm sure with a bit of practice you'll be ripping that off break faster than Gemmell rips seams on his shirts. Captain, thank you for joining us. Any last words for your fans?

    If you're really out there and do in fact exist, please continue supporting me, the Testies and the Ravens. Believe me when I say the Ravens is where you want to be, though most of you can keep wanting because it's never going to happen.

    CAWWW!

    And that's all for tonight folks. Join in next time for our next exclusive Ravin' story. Rumour has it controversial cricketer Maroon Faithful will be making an appearance...

    This interview was brought to you by the Ravin' Media Group: Fair and Balanced.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2011
  2. Athlai JJD Heads

    I haven't read this yet but I want you to know I think it's shit.
     
  3. Peaches DT Petrucci

  4. azzal AJ O'Neill

    Good read.
     
  5. Escath LE Schaw

    Too late to read it in full, but :laugh: from a scan through.

    Will read it in the morning.
     
  6. Boobidy BJ Gemmell

    tl'dr
     
  7. Frizzed WC Welker

    TL;DR
     
  8. Mousey AJ Son

    tl;dr and wac;dr
     
  9. Athlai JJD Heads

  10. morgieb MC Burridge

  11. 99* JJ Ritchie

    Got a mention. :cool:

    Had a good lol.
     
  12. Ari PM Jackson

    :laugh: Good read.
     
  13. Escath LE Schaw

    This thread is a prime example of why no one wants to be a media manager. GAGFCs.
     
  14. Chewie JA Chewie

    Was actually pretty decent :)
     
  15. LukeTyson L Tyson

    Haha this.
     
  16. Tartmaster AJ James

    I just looked at the pictures
     
  17. MightyPies DA Alessi

    Lol at the gingers have no soul.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2011
  18. Cribbage RG Cribb

    They all read it. They're just trolling.
     
  19. Tartmaster AJ James

    True story.
     
  20. Cribbage RG Cribb

    Lies.
     

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